That's intense
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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