I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
