We're facebook friends in real life
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
