you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
