I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
