That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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