yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
