I just saw a hot homeless man
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
