I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
