Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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