the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
