My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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