I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
