Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
