I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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