I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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