I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
where are you?
Hypothermia
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
