It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
