piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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