everyone is single if you try hard enough
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
