Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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