i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
