Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
