2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It's not a walk of shame if you run
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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