When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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