im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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