I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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