Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Vodka?
Forever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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