life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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