took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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