I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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