I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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