I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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