Moan for me like Helen Keller
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize