paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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