So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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