drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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