I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
