Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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