My underwear smells like fireworks.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
