did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
