We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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