you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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