am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
