i jhust puked up my retainher.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize