my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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