He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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