Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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