I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
