god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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