My sheets look like a crime scene.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
