I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
