I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
