i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I AM VODKA MAN
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
