all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
