no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
