i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
