i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
